The Prowler

Posted in Available on VHS with tags , , , , , , , , , on July 9, 2012 by Store Manager

So this friend of mine kinda got heavy into them self-help books, which struck me as kinda weird because the only time I ever saw him show some literacy whatsoever was once in high-school and it’s kinda a long story but it ended with a pretty nasty word painted with some pretty big flourescent letters on a teacher’s Toyota and him getting expelled forever. Anyway, he got kinda deep into them things and I guess everything was going along just fine – with the occasional odd conversation that is -until he read something about how we “aquire the characteristics of those we  associate with” and next thing you know he’s hauled off to serve 2-to-5 for assault and battery after punching out a quadraplegic.

Speaking of which; this guy The Prowler in Joseph Zito’s 1981 slasher The Prowler (let’s stop here for a minute and just contemplate the sheer amount of imagination them folks up in Hollywood got inside their little coneshaped heads) could’ve used some sort of self-help literature like I Used to Whine About My Worn-Out Shoes ‘Til I Met a Man With No Legs. So I Kinda Asked Him If He Had Any Shoes He Wasn’t Using. or You Could’ve Been Ugly Too!, because while he’s over in Europe shooting Krauts in WWII he receives one of them Dear Johns and instead of going “Hey, I’m single and in France! Let’s boogie!” he kinda broods on it for a long time and next thing you know the war is over and he’s back home wreaking all sorts of havoc with his bayonet and a pitchfork on prom night. Too bad the local sheriff was busy washing his hair that month because after Rose and her date gets skewered – both at the same time which I gotta admit was kinda impressive. Good thing they showed it in close-up because when true art happens you don’t wanna miss out on details no matter how miniscule they may seem! – the killer disappears with none the wiser to his identity.

Fast forward a good 30 years (actually all it took was a fade and the next thing you know it said 30 years later) and the town’s residents have finally managed to put that awful incident where a gazebo ended up looking like something out of a climactic Peckinpah scene behind them and consider it’s time for a new prom. (Hey! It’s going to be a full moon that night so what could possibly happen? And hey, let’s have it in that town hall built on that ancient indian burial ground! Where that priest hung himself! On Friday the 13th! Our kids are kinda dumb anyway!) Rosemary’s father (played by original bad boy Lawrence Tierney) ain’t too hot on the idea – he got the celebrations banned after his daughter’s murder – but he’s a bitter ol’ cripple so everybody just kinda ignores him while throwing their blow-dried hair around a lot and getting all giddy about The Instantaneous Death that’s just waiting around the corner. The sheriff plans to get busy with some fishing that weekend so he kinda leaves his deputy Mark in charge of everybody’s safety and wishes them the best of luck.

Soon enough though old Prowler is back turning them hot coeds into Meat Salad. Like this hot lil’ number gets a hot lil’ number while she’s taking a shower. It’s a key scene where us viewers get a lesson in the importance of full frontal hygiene and just when you’re getting the hang of it she gets impaled on the guy’s pitchfork with such force she actually lifts up off the floor. And then he kinda does this window-cleaning manouvre with her body smearing blood all over the dang walls. Just like my Aunt it ain’t pretty. We’re talking Splatter City. Her dumb-as-rocks boyfriend who was busy getting naked in the adjoining room can’t offer much help, not tonight because he’s got a splitting headache if you know what I mean. Next up is this brunette that decided to take a swim alone in the dark, and, well, I’m not gonna go through every detail because some things a man wanna figure out on his own. Speaking of which; the deputy (played by Christopher Goutman) and his blonde bombshell Pam (played by Vicky Dawson) has up until now just been kinda standing around scratching their heads wondering what the hell is up with all the disappearing teens and those odd puddles of red fluid until they find Rose’s grave and go “Hey! Whattabout that psycho killer that never got arrested some years ago! Maybe he knows what’s up!”

With special FX by goremeister Tom Savini – who considers this movie to showcase some of his best work – this lil’ slasher is pretty underrated compared to other gems like The Burning or Nightmare in a Damaged Brain. A bit slow in its pacing and kinda low in the overall kill department it makes it up by having each death sequence prolonged and in close-up and you know, that’s what I like in movies – honesty. Savini and Zito later on teamed up to deliver Friday the 13th – The Final Chapter and sources confirm that Zito getting the job had nothing to do with his dad being a CEO at Paramount at the time. Zito also directed Missing in Action, and Invasion U.S.A. starring Chuck Norris.
Available on VHS.
Check it out.

Happy 4th of July!

Posted in Licorice Pizza with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 4, 2012 by Store Manager

So, last year 4th of July kinda started off with a bang. And we’re talking literally. Seems my neighbor’s meth lab exploded again and I woke up having my damn head nearly taken clean off by a two-by-four that blasted through my trailer and permanently lodged itself square in the face of the president. Now, I ain’t one to tell other people what they should or shouldn’t do – no matter how unpatriotic their actions may seem – but I keep telling the guy that when he’s on meth he sure as hell shouldn’t try to make more of it. But we’re cool and he’s promised to get me a new photo down at Kinkos and also plaster that big ol’ hole I’ve got in my bathroom wall. I just feel bad for the man’s dog because that mutt sure learned after that last explosion that left him cross-eyed and kinda jittery so he took to them hills faster than a preacher caught handing out wads of cash to a bunch of promising young athletes at Motel Six if you know what I mean.

Anyway, today’s the day to celebrate and commemorate those that fought and died for our freedom. That’s what the whole thing’s about. Last year a friend of mine came by with a couple of six packs and we gulfed down some marshmallow salad and started talkin’ ’bout what this holiday means to us. And he said something I really can’t repeat in order for this to stay within the boundries of good taste, but let’s just say he stated it’s all about “being inebriated and re-arranging fecal matter upwards” (although the guy really don’t seem to know what fecal matter is because he insists it’s a band from Texas or something.)
– Now. I’m not gonna be a party pooper, but beer sure rocks and fireworks rock even more but just keep in mind that if you mix ’em both that’s when digits start to fly. Just ask Stumpy Eve.
– I thought everybody called her that because she was kinda short?
– Well at first yeah, but now it’s become even more fitting. Kinda eerie in a way how things turn out.
We both agreed and kinda comtemplated that fact for a while before proposing a toast to our forefathers that gave birth to this beautiful nation.
– That kicked out Zorro from Minneapolis in 1814!
– You goddamn idiot, I hollered. Zorro was in Vietnam! Show our veterans some damn respect!

Anyway, Nashville native Floyd Cramer was a decent American himself and sure made some interesting work in his day. He played the piano on The King’s Heartbreak Hotel for instance and if that ain’t enough he can also be heard tinkling the ivories on numerous recordings by great artists like Brenda Lee, Chet Atkins and Jim Reeves. He did some solo recordings as well and Good Vibrations was released as a b-side to his Stood Up 7″ back in 1967. That same year he also released the Floyd Cramer Plays The Monkees album where he covered the classic songs from this US outfit that some unemployed teens in the United Kingdom decided to copy. Check him out!

Freebie!

Posted in Freebie Jeebies with tags , , , on June 28, 2012 by Store Manager

As boring as it may be downloading stuff legally, the following title is considered to be in the public domain and readily available at The Internet Archive. Keep an eye out for a complete list of legal downloads soon to appear on this blog!

Cosmos: War of the Planets (1977)
Dubbed the most consistent Italian sci-fi movie with script, special effects, costumes, music, and acting all being terrible, Cosmos: War of the Planets directed by Alfonso Brescia is one of many cheap Italian Star Wars knock-offs that came out in the late 70s. A bunch of Italians led by John Richardson heads out into space to check out  a weird planet surrounded by UFOs and finds an alien population enslaved by an evil computer and a script that really doesn’t make any sense. Claimed by some to be a remake of Planet of the Vampires (1965) I kinda call it The Movie that Refuses to End.
Get it: http://archive.org/details/Cosmos_War_of_the_Planets

My pal Steve

Posted in Wide Wide World of Web with tags , , , , , , on June 27, 2012 by Store Manager

So this friend of mine got hauled off into jail recently for bustin’ up the headlights of a BMW, and even though he claimed the whole thing was a political statement he is now facing some 30 days in the county jail for drunk and disorderly as well as resisting arrest. Now, we ain’t gonna take this quietly, no sir. We’re gonna make our voices heard and even though we’re not gonna dynamite the Greyhound Bus station (like another friend of mine suggested before mysteriously disappearing in some sort of government covered-up abnormal phenomena that just left a smoldering crater where his trailer used to be) we’re getting organized and are taking a stand. You ain’t heard the last of us! Well, ‘cept for Lucky Dan who was born a deaf mute, but his sister says he’s bringing a big stick to do his talking so we’ve got that covered.

Anyway. This kinda brings to mind my pal Steve who lives way off in Louisiana. He’s kinda like Grandma on X-Mas morning – always ready to party – but once again the authorities tries to stop a legal adult from getting his kicks and sure enough, wherever Steve goes he gets hassled by The Man. At home, at work, kicking back with that firecracker wife of his or just plain shopping – he ain’t getting a peace of mind anywhere! Good thing though the authorities got every durn arrest filmed so Steve’s got himself a clear-cut case of harrassment and best of all the cops provided the evidence themselves! Them vids are even available on YouTube! Talk about being dumb as a bag of hammers. Steve knows his rights and these guys just handed over their badges on a silver platter.

Anyway, check out Exhibit A (top) and Exhibit B (bottom), make sure you spread them vids all over the dang Wide Wide World of Web and give the man some encouraging words on his Facebook, whatever the hell that is.

The Saw is Poultry

Posted in Hot off the Fax, Wide Wide World of Web with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 25, 2012 by Store Manager

Oh my! Well, there’s been two new “webisodes” posted on AchTV’s official YouTube (you can check it out here) starring my pal Captain Catastrophe – The International Man of Danger. And I gotta tell ya, his manager (and world-reknowned southern gentleman) Johnny Kruger sure got his career going places! Like this coming weekend he’ll appear at the Couleur Café Festival alongside artists like De La Soul and that Marley kid, and he’s bringing them chainsaws with him!What else do you need?

I’ve said it before, do not miss out on some high-quality entertainment folks! There’s lots and lots more coming soon so make sure to check out AchtTV and visit the man’s official site on Facebook for more updates and videos!

Pieces

Posted in Available on VHS with tags , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2012 by Store Manager

Dear Lord! Rain season is upon us and now we’re talking the crimson kind because when this Spaniard serial killing maniac named Juan Piquer Simón shaved his hands and set out to make Pieces back in 1983 he ended up with something that you better make sure you got a sturdy umbrella handy while watching – we’re talking a hella nasty blood bath folks! This is pure Power Tool City. You’d figure that with the tagline “You don’t have to go to Texas for a chainsaw massacre” this nasty little piece of celluloid ain’t afraid to ask questions like “how much chainsaw can you fit into a bimbo anyway?” and I can assure you, it dares askin’ and then spend about eighty minutes answerin’ again and again. And again. Kinda like my neighbor’s cousin the day he got that fancy telemarketing job and thought bathtub meth’d help improve his sales. Or at least get rid of his stutter.

Anyway, it starts off in Boston back in the 1940s when this kid playin’ with a puzzle has one of them “do that again and I’ll cut it off” kinda moments with his Mom if you know what I mean. The puzzle itself is one of them thorough female anatomy studies that used to be available at gas stations before somebody thought they were “sexy” and banned them, and when Mom sees lil’ Junior playing with it she kinda looks like my ex-wife when she found out about me and her sister having that Miller-powered New Year’s Whoopsie Incident (twice) and then she starts going psycho on him. Not that smart though because that little rascal apparently inherited Mommy’s incomplete proverbial six pack and while she’s busy thrashing his room like The Tazmanian Devil on laxatives, he picks up an axe in the yard, goes back and kinda goes to town on her head, giving the walls a little dash of red as them interior decorators say. After that he brings out Daddy’s ol’ saw and well, uh, things get a little grisly after that. The cops and the kid’s babysitter show up later on and finds Junior blubbering inside the closet so they send him off to an aunt and figure “hey, we’re done!”

Fast forward a good forty years and relocate to Boston University where this skateboard chick crashes into a huge mirror and unbeknownst to her and everyone else starts off a chain of events more hideous than that time my uncle got drunk for a month and tried to teach his pet pig Gentleman Eddie to smoke. Soon enough this woman sunbathing with all her clothes on gets her head lopped off in slow motion, pretty much painting the whole dang screen red. The cops – led by Christopher George – shows up kinda scratching their heads going “that’s the weirdest dang suicide I’ve seen!”, but really don’t give it that much thought until more college co-ed red meat starts to show up in teensy Hefty Bags all over the place. First off they suspect this really weird 500 lbs gardener that likes to walk around the campus polishing his chainsaw while looking kinda Spanish but no, they throw him in jail and sure enough the bimbos continue to end up as meat salad. Staying true to its title we’re literally talking pieces. I kid you not folks, one of his victims is even stacked on a stretcher!

So, realizing he’s got himself a bona fide headcase serial killer on his hands but no clues as to the killer’s identity, George does what any good detective would do in order to stop the maiming maniac: he makes his real-life wife Linda Day George dress up as a MILF tennis coach and send her out on the dimly-lit campus at night to act as bait. Don’t worry honey! If you’re in trouble just give up a bloodcurdling scream! Yeah, just like that! How the hell’d you do that chainsaw sound simultaneously? Meanwhile his team is working days and nights trying to solve the enigma by going through the personal files of every college employee. Who is the killer? What’s his motive? Why does he breathe kinda heavy like Gentleman Eddie after he’s dropped a dookie in the backyard?
Available on VHS.
Check it out.

Stampede

Posted in Hot off the Fax, Wide Wide World of Web with tags , , , , on June 22, 2012 by Store Manager

So. This friend of mine called me up sounding kinda excited so I told him to calm down, focus on his breathing and tell me what the hell was up.
– It’s gonna be a durn stampede!
– Whut? They’re gonna re-open the meat rendering plant?
He said no and then told me that Johnny Depp was single.
– No, no, no. You’re wrong. He’s married to that French woman. What’s her name? Mawshawwahwah Shobadooh something?
He said no, that is over and done with. Apparently some guy named Perez Hilton told him so.
– Who’s Perez Hilton?
He told me he wasn’t sure but thought the guy might be a cook or something. Seemed to be into fruit salad. And now when the news are making worldwide headlines every damn thing with a pulse and somewhat feminine appearance is packing their bags, divorcing their husbands and heading out for Hollywood. Even his crazy ex-wife called him up and said she was leaving town.
– No offence but your ex-wife weighs 480 lbs and digests food through a dang machine the insurance company gave her.
He said he’d told her that but she was confident that after seeing him in Disney-movies the guy’d might be a bit kinky.
– Well, I can’t argue with that. But them ladies in Hollywood are models and actresses. I’ve seen some of them and they got all their teeth and digits intact. Sure, some might have tattoos but they’re correctly spelled and everything. You can’t compete with that.
He told me that that might be true and all, but apparently Johnny’s made statements in the media about not being into that and kinda prefers homey, down-to-earth women.
– Sweet baby Jesus! It’s gonna be a durn stampede.